Earlier this year, we found out that my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Stage 3 nose cancer. When the heavy news finally sank in, everyone in the family experienced varying degrees of emotions. Soon, we realised that we didn’t know what to say to a loved one with cancer and what not to say. What were the “right words”? Essentially, we were worried about how she would think and feel.
Caring for a loved one who has cancer
After her doctor broke the news, we started to make plans on caregiving arrangements, decide who would be taking her to doctor appointments, ensuring that she has nutritious homecooked meals and getting sufficient rest amongst others.
Most importantly, we had to ensure that her emotional and mental health remained positive. This is probably the most challenging aspect for a cancer patient in addition to taking several medications, going for chemotherapy and bearing the brunt of possible side effects.
Soon, I came to realise what we say to her was very critical. It is important to be mindful and to speak with empathy. Thus, I hope this article will be useful for those living with someone who has cancer, caregivers of cancer patients, and friends and families visiting loved ones battling cancer.
Some of the best things to say to someone with cancer
When interacting with a cancer patient, it is important to be careful with our words. Our mental health and immune system are closely related; patients who embrace positivity are stronger when it comes to fighting this illness. However, this does not mean that we should say to them, “You need to be strong” or “Stay positive!”
It’s easier said than done. Afterall, we aren’t the patients nor personally going through the journey. Although we may say things with good intentions, we might end up hurting them unintentionally. We need to understand that cancer patients have their own outlook which can be very different from our own.
In the coming long months of treatments, my mother-in-law became weaker, as expected.
Words of care and actions of concern mean everything to them as they need a lot of encouragement and support to go through the challenging treatment phase.
I still remember the day when we received the report confirming her diagnosis. Her first response to me smiling, was, “你不是讲没事的咯。” (“I thought you said I’d be okay.”)
I replied in a very positive tone, “是啊，因为你没痛，没症状。现在知道了，就治疗，会慢慢好起来，就没事咯。” (Yes, as there was neither pain nor other symptoms. Now that we know, with treatment, you’ll gradually recover and be okay.”)
Some things you can say to show you care
- “I’m thinking of you.”
- “I’m here to listen and talk, whenever you feel like.”
- “I’m bringing you some of your favourite food/flowers/that new book!”
- “I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.”
- “I might not know how you feel, but I’m here to support you.”
- “Can I take you to your appointment next week?”
Visting, video calling or messaging them are some ways to stay connected and show that you care about them.
Some of the worst things we should avoid saying to someone with cancer
It is also a time to be sensitive with our words. If you don’t know what to say, simply let them lead the conversations.
Words and phrases to avoid
- “You’re really brave to insist that this disease does not matter.”
- “Can I help you with anything?”
- “It’s very easy to treat cancer these days.”
- “Cancer is not scary; the scarier bit is losing your willpower.”
- “These days, cancer is like having a cough or cold, we should coexist with cancer.”
- “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
- “You’ve been a good person; you’ll overcome this.”
- “How long do you have?”
- “Are you sure you have cancer?”
- “It’ll be okay.”
- “Don’t worry, you/your family can afford the best cancer treatment for you.”
One of the worst things to say to someone with cancer would be cost of cancer treatments and how the patient was going to afford it. Such financial matters should be avoided as the patient may develop a growing sense of feeling like a liability. Medical costs in Singapore is known to be sky high – so more people are aware of the growing medical bills that are linked to cancer. Speak to a trusted financial advisor who’s aware of the latest health insurance plans and can navigate with you through the financial planning roadmap.
Smile, avoid showing that you are feeling too sad about their condition and talk about topics other than cancer. They may also ask you how things have been for you, so do avoid over-sharing about your own life like complaining about trivial matters or minor difficulties. This may leave them feeling confused as they are already overwhelmed with the huge changes in their life.
Sending or sharing encouraging messages of support, love and hope can mean the world to our loved ones during a challenging chapter in their life.
*P.S: Thank you to my friend, G, for sharing tips on what to say and what not to say to someone with cancer. It’s unfortunate that she has lost her mum to cancer and her brother is a cancer survivor amongst other family members who have been diagnosed with this disease.
